Refuge

I'm the mother of a three-year old. I'm her Person. When her stomach feels hungry and dissatisfied, she runs to me. When her skin is scraped and she feels pain, she runs to me. When tears flow out of frustration, anger, or pain that she can't have what she wants, she needs her Person. For the moment, I'm functioning as someone's refuge. This will change.

I'm 37. My desires and frustrations have matured some as I've grown used to samsara. But fundamentally dukkha is dukkha, is dukkha. When the outer and inner are in conflict, pain and dissatisfaction arise. From the moment we leave the womb we encounter a cold, exposed world, we reach for the Person for refuge. For most of my 37 years I tried to find relief in easy, self-serving ways. Alcohol provided some temporary relief but lead to more pain. I tried using love relationships, distractions, sex, entertainment, philosophy, family, anything to serve as a little band-aid for the dukkha that always returned.

My Person is the Buddha now. The soothing words, like those I give to my daughter, can be found in his teachings. His teachings tell us, "I did this, and you can do it too. Things can get better." My People are his followers. I am pretty sure that I'm religious.

When my mind is scraped and feels pain, I look to my Person. When my body and mind has their failings, I look to my Person. We never exactly outgrow our primal needs that we encounter in our first moments in this realm, before we can even focus our eyes to see.

But these categories such as religious, non-religious, philosophical, emotional, rational, whatever. In the moment of pure and honest refuge, when you close your eyes direct your mind to the triple gem, and your heart feels pure hope and gratitude, all those categories aren't worth very much. There's nothing categorical about reaching out for the Person. I don't have any wisdom. I only have the wisdom to reach for something more practical now.

In the depths of meditation when there's nothing to defend or represent, you know that your refuge will help you to awaken. And that's the direction your heart takes. Perhaps some people would call this weak, impulsive, reactive, ordinary, primal, or unawakened. I would say that's true. That's why I look to my Person, his followers, and his teachings to begin with. We have to start from somewhere. But unlike that newborn who can't focus yet, at least I can focus my sight in a direction that seems wise.